Of course, the continuation of this post is later than expected but I did, at least stay true to my word. I'm writing my morning pages at night because I wasn't really in the mood to write them this morning.
You will be wondering why I didn't want to write them this morning, which actually ties into why I didn't have time to finish yesterday's post. I had a doctor's appointment. Lately, I've been having some issues with my blood pressure. My doctor has been trying to put me on medication. I was quite adamant with the doctor, over the course of these visits that I refused to take medication and that I could lower my blood pressure naturally, which I did for one visit, but yesterday's visit didn't do much to convince her I didn't need the pills, because it had skyrocketed again.
My issue is simple: I don't trust pharmaceuticals. I can self medicate if I want to do drugs that are going to do my body harm. I mean, these water pills, which even at the low dose she's prescribing can do some damage to my kidneys, which I took a hemoglobin to ensure they were healthy enough for this medication that could potentially do them harm? I don't like it. I refused, again. Vociferously.
So then my doctor showed me a chart of my blood pressure history, which was pretty normal until the my world turned upside down with the twins and my mother-in-law and being unemployed. Also, I've put on some pounds which have undoubtedly contributed to my hypertension. All of this can be reversed-without medication.. I know that I can lower my blood pressure naturally. I know that if I just work out rigorously and vigorously like I was doing before my life changed, I'll be fine.
I've been working out-every morning for half an hour at least...I know I have to do something but clearly it isn't enough-especially now that I'm ...old. I'm tired and I have twins to be chasing around which, I thought would contribute in some way to my exercise but it has not. My stress has increased in ways that I never imagined. Mom in law, kids, work, money etc. etc. But I told the doctor that I recognize all these issues have contributed to this, and if she'd just take a look back and see...
She did take a look back and see. That life no longer belongs to me, she says. As the kids get older, the stress, though it may look different, sound different-will always be there, And since my blood pressure has decreased only once during these visits (by the way, while doc is "looking out for my well being," each visit costs me 15 bucks and she's been seeing me every two weeks. ) Need I remind EVERYONE that I'm unemployed? Also, I beg you to take into consideration the fact that whenever I go there, I'm in a rush-and I'm anxious about having my blood pressure taken because it's always to high and because I'm not ready to die and I don't want to go on any medication and-I assume you get the point-It is a lot and it doesn't improve matters.
My doc is right to be concerned. I am fully aware of the dangers of high blood pressure. I recognize it's a blind-side killer. She's also right about the stress continuing, but she doesn't know me, so I kinda resent her pushing the blood pressure meds on me because I don't know if her concern is genuine or if she, like anybody else responsible to a corporation or industry, have to make that corporation or industry money and since I'm a perfect candidate for some new drug that the pharmaceuticals need to make money on, so why am I not on it?I don't want to tempt fate but I am confident that I can lower my blood pressure naturally. I did it before, I can do it again. Although, I was much younger and which much less (read no) stress.
Stop using salt, cut out refined sugar, cut out the carbs, which reminds me, I forgot to pick up pistachios today! I got some beets I plan to juice tomorrow, some raisins to add to my unsweetened (blah) oatmeal and I'm ready to rock this!
Of course I'll need to increase my home work outs (read: intensify, step it up, SWEAT!) until I can officially get back into the gym.
Stop drinking...during the week, What can I say? I'm a work in progress. Please don't judge me.
Lastly, stop being angry: assholes are going to be assholes and me raising my blood pressure by getting angry, flipping out, cursing, unleashing the full weight and fury of my wrath upon inconsiderate drivers, grocery shoppers, ignorant passers by who just have no manners and can't say excuse me, or hold the door for me when my hands are full with twins or groceries, will never prevent an asshole from being an asshole-besides assholes seem to breed like cockroaches. For every one you stamp out, another million are born.
Therapy? Meditation? I've heard it can do wonders to relieve stress, reduce high blood pressure. I guess I need it.
In the grand scheme of things, being on medication is not the worse thing in the world. It could be worse. I could have cancer. I could be dying of an incurable disease. I know that. It's just that my pride won't let me accept the fact that I am getting old. It also won't let me accept that at the young but old age of 40 I could have a heart attack, suffer a stroke or heart failure. I am only 40 years old. I just became a mother. My boys need me. I need them. As much as they suck the life out of me, they keep me alive. My life belongs to them and that's why I have to live.
Ahhhh....these morning/anytime pages are like blood letting and it feels good. It's cathartic and necessary. They must continue. And so must I.
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