Good Afternoon. Today, I'm really not in the mood. But here I am. Writing these pages with the expectation that it will translate into my becoming a better writer and perhaps having my blog recognized by more than four people.

No offense you guys, but this invisibility is wreaking havoc on  my confidence-to the point that I posted that hideous picture of myself in the early stages of pregnancy hoping that somebody might see it and want to comment on it and that it might  go viral and jump start my career.

Pathetic. I know, but there is a method to my madness. I keep telling myself that. '

I'm wondering why people who say things I've said, not any better or worse than I've said it, have their stuff recognized by millions of people, their blogs get tweeted on Huffington Post, they get interviewed about their tiny little blogs that they never thought would get noticed but theyeventually captured the attention of the world and now, here  they are famous authors! People read them. People see them.

That's all I want. Is it too much to ask?

Is it because I'm not a journalism, communications or English major? Or does my writing really suck that bad?  We'll soon find out because I'm going to devote this blog (apart from the morning pages) to trying out my stuff. I will finish my novel  (thirteen years in the making) in the meantime and that's my goal. I just want to finish the novel.

The story is in me. It has to come out. I'm freaking constipated by the bloody thing. Thirteen agonizing years of constipation. So I will do what I must. Writing is the only thing I want to do with my life and I want to get paid for it.  That's against most odds, I know but I am a woman of faith. Also, I've been trying to get work that pays me more than what I'm making where I currently work. Yet,  even with a master's degree I can't  seem to get an interview. Not even for an assistant's position. I've been trying for an editorial assistant or any assistant's position in publishing.  Problem is the salary is way below what I should be earning especially at this stage and age of the game. I've never made what I'm supposed to be making with an advanced degree.  It was the reason I went to school in the first place, yet I haven't been able to use my degree at all. I don't know why I'm constantly low-balled, humiliated, debased, degraded.  It's the fucking story of my life.  What, I'm begging any of you-well, I guess the four of you-to tell me, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Maybe I'm not meant to do more. If this is the only "published" writing I do than I will be happy with it. I will be grateful.

No. I won't. I'm tire of falling into shit. Taking jobs just because I hated the one I was currently in, without really thinking it through. I don't want to be hasty. I don't want to be impatient. It's my life and I want to have some peace knowing that I made the right choice because it was the right choice, because it was my choice. Not because I was rushed into it or pressured into it.

 Now is my time. I know I've been saying that for years, but this time is different. I've got kids now. I've got their  futures to think about. I don't want them to be anything like me. Also, I want them to know that if they truly want something, even if they are good at it, they still have to work for it, which I can admit has been a problem all my life. Things were natural for me. My sister always said I never really had to work hard for anything. Piano exams, I always got higher grades without studying or practicing as hard as I should have. I imagine how great I would be if I stuck to it. Like my sister for example. She works. She's an actor. I remember when she first started she was told she'd have better luck becoming a neurosurgeon. I was the one who took that statement literally and felt like if she was told that, what would they say to me? She didn't let it stop her. She literally pounded the pavement and knocked on doors until one opened.

She's a teacher now, another of her passions BUT, she has a role in a sitcom opposite Thandie Newton and Cole Hauser. Not bad. She waited a long time and put up with a lot of bullshit and rejection to get to that point but she is living her dream. She can die without regrets. I suppose that scares me too. I don't want to be on my deathbed, knowing that all I had to do was devote some time and energy to what I claim is my passion without expecting the world to accept what I have to say just because I say here I am.  Perhaps that's been my problem all my life. I expect things to fall into my lap, if I'm good at them. Like I shouldn't have to work just because I have a natural talent for something.  I'm not afraid of hard work but I don't want to work at things I enjoy. I'm also scared to death of rejection too. I hate to sound like an elitist, especially when I haven't published anything of substance but there's a lot of bad writing out there. I don't want to be a bad writer. Does that make sense?   Also, I 'm tired. I'm not ever in the mood nor do I have time to write the way I did when I didn't give a shit about it you know?  Raising the twins is work. I'm potty training two of them at once so forget it. When I get a minute to myself, I just want to binge watch t.v. and zone out until they wake up from a nap. I make too many excuses. Yes. I know.

My husband always says, "I don't get why you don't just send your stuff out.." Or my mom will say, "I was watching such and such show the other day and this young girl was talking about her book and she reminded me of you," or I read these articles all the time from people who don't write as well as you and they get their stuff published in so and so magazine, Then I get angry. I tell her I'm working on it.  She sighs and says,   "So I've been hearing for thirteen years."

 I know. I'm making excuses, but that's what these pages are for. Anyway, I'm going to answer my mom's question by posting a link to a woman's blog who, like my mom said-writes exactly about what I've been writing about for two years: how motherhood has changed her life.

It's changed mine too-and although I've said what she's said. I like the way she said it. Maybe there's something to that. Her blog has changed my life.  Motherhood will make me a better writer and so far, I have kept my writing promise despite the fact it's becoming more difficult to do since my eldest twin, Zachary has figured out how to escape the confines of his crib,where I desperately need him to be when it's writing time.

Oh well. This is where the work comes in I suppose. Hey. Look at me! Mommy's still writing!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashli-mazer/this-is-what-motherhood-did-to-me_b_7073842.html?ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000067