I know this is late; in more ways then one. You see, I'm turning this blog into a semi journal, so bear with me.

I found out i was pregnant on Ash Wednesday, April 19, 2012: unofficially. Holy shit, that's almost three years ago to the date! I don't look anything like that now by the way. (That's my vanity talking...another issue we can address at another time. I trust you'll be back? Please. Don't let the picture frighten you.)

Anyway, after 6 pregnancy tests and staring at myself blankly in the mirror, wondering what was really going on. Who was this person staring back at me? I had so many conflicted emotions. First, I was ecstatic, overwhelmed with joy that  I wasn't sixteen and in high school; second, panic and frustration that I was 39 years old.

Needless to say, I  made an appointment to have the news made official. Sure enough,  they confirmed it,set up ally tests and here i am 16 weeks and 2 days later pregnant, confused, overwhelmed, overjoyed, shocked and awed by the fact that I am carrying twins.

Yes. Twins! I was shocked but as soon as they gave me the news, I thought back to the evenings my husband and I sat on the couch and prayed before our evening meals. Before every meal, and after giving thanks, He prayed for twins. Now, I pray too. But even I was skeptical. There are no twins in my family that I know of, and my husband wasn't aware of twins on his side either.

 One thing i have learned throughout this pregnancy-aside from the fact that my body does not belong to me anymore, but that we do serve a mighty God and there is a purpose to the chaos that is existence. Ever since i became pregnant I only care about the lives inside of me. I've learned a lot about myself. I have not always been a nice person. And that scares the shit out of me because I do believe in Karma.

Anyway, I think now I know what love is. Or selflessness.  Everything else is secondary:  the job i hate, the disappointment I felt when I realized I couldn't/wouldn't have a drink in 9 months!!!!??? Before the pregnancy, I couldn't last five days.  The boys kinda cured my "affliction." (Perhaps we'll delve deeper into that another time-I've put you through so much already.)  

So I'll end here for now, and let you know that every morning, despite the fact that I don't want to get out of bed and board that freaking 5 train during rush hour to a job that I would rather not be doing, I rub my tummy and remember it ain't about me anymore. In fact, as I heave myself out of bed and go to work, I realize I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.