Trying to Bend and Not Break

The kids were drifting off to sleep and then... Mom-in-law knocks on the door. Damn! She was just down here...I was looking forward to the solitude, (not having her look at me strangely while I'm breastfeeding the boys) She's on the phone and she asks me--no, she tells me that Auntie is stopping by to bring me orange juice from concentrate. I don't drink orange juice from concentrate, but sure, come on by. I know she's really coming to see the boys, but it's nice of her to bring me stuff. She really doesn't have to. However, I dont' understand why mom-in-law can't tell from the look on my face that I'm not in the freaking mood! My solitude has just been brutally interrupted. Sure as I'm writing this post, Auntie is chatting and chatting while I'm fuming and fuming. She keeps asking me questions and telling me things I don't care about, or saying things to instigate debate, i.e. Obama is right about everything and nobody wants to work with him because he's Black. I'm tempted, but it's gonna piss me off further, so I just keep my mouth shut and keep on typing. I get it, the kids are cute. People want to spend time with them, but guess what? I still live here. I still need my privacy. As if having the twins wasn't enough pressure, now I have to deal with people thinking they can just drop by whenever they want, taking over the kids, advising this, suggesting that. Asking questions that insult my intelligence and my motherhood. I know how this sounds but I'll say it anyway: I'm tired of pretending to be grateful for help I may need but I do not want. I'm tired of smiling when I want to cry. I'm tired of being gracious when I want to curse somebody out because they are just getting in the way. I feel like I'm being scrutinized. Can't mom-in-law understand this? This is the biggest challenge I've ever faced in my life. And I've faced challenges. Normally, I'm an introvert. I'm a very private person. I'm tired of having to hide the way I feel from my husband because this is his mom, this is his home and to make matters worse, she is a sweet lady-it's just not my ideal situation. I want my husband and my children and myself to be get through mommy and daddyhood like most parents do-I feel like he has an unfair advantage having his mom upstairs. When he gets frustrated by one of the twins, he doesn't have to deal-grandma does. We need to be able to mess up and learn from our mistakes-that's what parenting is about. His mom had to figure it out, and so do we. I'm not saying that I'm not happy for advice, but do not tell me when I can take my own children out, or what I should and shouldn't be giving them. I want peace and quiet. I want to be left alone-especially when I'm not in the mood for company-like today. Since I've been home with time to think, I've realized that I am a victim of my own circumstances. I have never spoken up for myself. I love my husband, but it is my fault that I am here...I complained about my previous living situation (look out for my book-the details will be in it) and when he suggested living with mom, I didn't speak up for myself because I was in a rush to get out. We had our kids before we found a home of our own, and well, here we are. All my life I have been afraid to speak my mind and I have suffered for it. (Again, details in the book.) The one thing I truly regret is that I have never lived completely alone and now, I will never have that opportunity. I believe every woman should live on her own at some point in her life. It's empowering to depend on nobody but yourself. Even though I'm speaking up now, I've realized that when you have kids who are somebody's grandson, nephews etc., you don't really have a voice. So my every thought, action, desire these days is for autonomy. I guess my anger could be considered misguided, but my friends all say they'd go crazy if they were in my shoes, and it hurts me because I know where I went wrong but I can't undo my past. I'm always behind the curve- damn near 40 with a husband and two kids and we still live with mom. I feel like I'm 12 years old. I don't ask for permission to take the kids out or to do anything but I may as well, because that's what it feels like when I'm debating with mom about why I'm taking the kids out in cold weather (mind you, if I had to work and had nobody to watch them, I'd have no choice but to take the kids out) I've tried to address it with my husband but he just won't understand. I guess I can't blame him. Perhaps if the situation were reversed, he'd be writing this post. But that's just it. The situation is NEVER reversed where I'm concerned. Am I overreacting...nope! Auntie just changed the channel-without my permission-and I was watching MSNBC!!!!!! Last thing I can't quite understand: when its time for Auntie to go, I'm always relieved, but it always goes like this: "I'm sorry I can't stay,"(Really? Does it look like I'm heartbroken?) "I will probably come back on Sunday..."(WHY???) Doesn't it occur to you that Sunday is hubby and my down time? We need/want alone time. I need all the help I can get these days-that means divine intervention. I've been subscribing to YouVersion- a Bible app on my iphone. Joyce Meyer's Promises for your Everyday Life is a daily devotional for 365 days of the years. I haven't read it for days. When I say days, I mean months. Anyway, as God should have it, today's message was "Live at Peace with Everyone..." (Are you kidding me????) Joyce Meyer claimed that before she found God she wasn't adaptable...Shoot! I know God and I'm still not adaptable. Change is hard for me and I hate not being in control. I can admit that. I've been praying every day for help with this. There's this very lengthy prayer I posted on my bathroom mirror, which essentially tells me not to do everything I've done in this blog. I read it every morning, along with the Daily Bread and any scripture that might help me. Every day I pray for patience. I pray that God will open some doors that will lead us out of this one. I pray for peace of mind. You see, I have these beautiful boys and this amazing husband that I won't allow myself to completely enjoy because I just can't "suck it up". I know this won't be forever, but as the days drag on with no movement in sight it damn sure feels like it. Things could be worse and I'm sure I'm not the only new wife and mother who has had to face these particular challenges. I'm quite fortunate that despite all I've said, I'm blessed to have a mother-in-law who goes out of her way to make me happy. I am truly grateful for that. I might have already fled to Canada with the children if it were not so. Back to Joyce Meyer's prayer, which was apropos: Holy Spirit, help me to bend so that I will not break. I want Your peace in my relationships, so I choose to be flexible today." I was as flexible as I could be. I ignored them. What can I say I'm a work in progress. I need to get through this any way I can.