Almost 5 Months!

I know I said that my next post would be about immigration, but it's been weeks since my last post and so many things have gotten in the way since then: i.e. Zach and Noah, my infamous, beautiful twin boys. TThey'll be 5 months on Thursday, getting bigger by the day. They have become so demanding lately-not to mention their personalities are beginning to come through. Noah is pensive and somewhat suspicious, while Zach is laid back and happy-go-lucky (except when he's hungry). He is always laughing. Noah smiles and laughs too, but he's selective about what he finds funny and he has a big mouth. They are sleeping a little bit better through the nights,though we still have some rough ones: last night Zach refused to sleep and practically wailed the entire night. I didn't know what was wrong with him. The only thing that soothed him was my boob, which he was sucking on the whole night. And to make matters worse, he's become quite the fighter. His legs and feet flail wildly (reminds me of when they both used to kick and punch inside my tummy) through the night, and he's taken to wopping me pretty good, which he did all last night. I got very little sleep, which makes mommy quite cranky in the morning. So, mom stumbles out of bed at 5:00 am, kisses daddy goodbye as he goes off to work, and then runs around the house hoping to get the baby food together, do some writing, say my prayers, do some chores, and exercise before they wake up. Oops-forgot breakfast has to make it's way in there as well. Usually, this never happens, and what's worse is that the boys are always awake and hungry at the same time,usually interrupting one of the activities I just mentioned. This means I better have their food ready for them as soon as they wake. If they wait too long when they are hungry, you would swear that somebody was beating them to death they wail so loud. This morning, I was almost finished my workout when I heard a faint whine. This pissed cranky mommy off. "Just a couple minutes," I call out, "mommy's coming..." The whine gets louder until it sounds like they are screaming, "HEY! FEED ME NOW!" I have to cut the work out short and tend to my children. I burst into the room in cranky mommy mood, and see little legs, and arms pumping in the air. I'm all set to give them the "mommy needs a break," lecture, but they both start jumping about with excitement at seeing me. They have the most radiant smiles (for lack of a better word)-what else can I say-the room lights up, I light up and all is well in my world. So, we've been giving the twins solids now, which is quite fun and very messy. The doctor advised us to introduce one new food every day (only about a tablespoon's worth)to check for allergies. I'm glad that we are able to give them something other than formula because the solids seem to stick to their ribs a lot longer. They are experimenting with new tastes and textures,and since they have no teeth and they are all hands, the food ends up everywhere but their mouths. So far, they love peanut butter, bannanas, squash, and they aren't so fond of pears, peas or apples. Anyway, mommy is having fun pureeing all different kinds of food. The kids are having fun too-they grab the spoon when they are enjoying their meals, and they just won't open up when they don't. Today, I gave them avocado, I mixed a little formula in it so it would go down smoother but it seems they enjoyed it. Tomorrow it's sweet potato. That should be fun. I must admit it's been a bit frustrating, having to work around their schedule. My time is so limited. I want to read the newspaper so I can feel like I'm still connected to the world outside of the twins. Usually I can only get through a paragraph before they need my attention. As they get older, they need to be read to and exercised. It's skill developing time. It does take a lot of time and energy. I had no idea how exhausting it would be. It's funny-I knew having twins would be a challenge, but this is the biggest challenge I've ever faced in my life. It's not only having kids, but learning to be a wife, having to give up my privacy-not getting jealous or angry at grandma, who only wants to offer suggestions but I take it as my mommy skills being scrutinized. And, I am experiencing a bit of cabin fever. I try to get out as much as I can but it's a chore getting the kids dressed and my Gracco double stroller, though it glides, still feels like I'm pushing a bus. My husband and I have recently discussed me staying home another year: childcare is expensive x2! Not to mention that I'm uncomfortable leaving my boys with a stranger so soon. I know I will have to eventually but I'd prefer they be a little older and able to talk so they can let me know if something's amiss. However, I don't know if I can stay home another year-I need a life. I miss working-maybe not the work I was doing, but I miss getting up, getting dressed and feeling pretty. I miss being out. I miss the autonomy and independence that came with my paycheck. My husband has seen to it that I don't have to worry about money. He has taken care of my every need. I want for nothing. All he asks is a bit of sacrifice for the kids so that we can save a bit of money(we have to move, their is not enough room in our one bedroom to raise two growing boys.) I can get with that, but I fear that the longer I stay home, I may lose my drive and ambition. I get so tired during the days that I don't even want to write, and that is dangerous because it is the only thing I want to do with my life. Lately though, I find myself discouraged and unmotivated. I had to force myself to write this post today. When I became pregnant with the boys I looked at it as an opportunity to finish my book since I'd be home. I figured I'd have all the time in the world to write. I thought I would have finished my book by now. Thus far, I've only written the Prologue. All I want to do is watch MSNBC, and The Jeffersons marathon on TVOne when the kids finally go off to sleep. My brain is just tired, and I know I'll get interrupted when/if I start to write, so I tell myself, why bother? I know...excuses...excuses. I hate myself for making them, but isn't that what blogs are for? Besides, I finished this post didn't I? Anyway I must go-Noah is up, and here comes Zach: Neither of them are smiling.