Putting Away Childish Things

"But God was angry that Balaam was going, so he sent the angel of the Lord to stand in the road to block his way... -Numbers 22:22 I'm certainly no bible thumper, but I've got several thumpers in my family and their thumping has rubbed off on me. It's not that I don't believe in God, I was raised in the church and like all good girls who go to church, I try to live my life based on the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Of course, as I've had some time to think about my life, I realize I haven't been the best doer unto others... You know, back when I was younger, and I thought I knew it all, I would balk at my grandmother's proselytizing and her claim that "if she didn't have God in her life, she just didn't know how she'd manage. Back when I was out of work and living with her she would tell me not to worry because God would provide. I remember waiting a hell of a long time for that provision. And I couldnt' understand why it was that all of these horrible things were happening, seemingly all at once: getting fired, having to move back in with my grandmother because I couldn't afford the rent on my apartment as a result, my dad(her son)passing away unexpectedly, my mother out of work again, and the world just seemed a shitty place to live in. I kept praying, but I heard nothing. It probably didn't help that I had always seen religion as a way of controlling vulnerable people, or a means of justifying injustice. As I've grown older and wiser, I've learned to dismiss the ignorance of those who believe everything they read or hear, just because it comes from the mouth of someone who is supposedly ordained to give them the "truth." I've always believed the truth is what you make it. I believe I am intelligent enough to come to my own decisions about the context of biblical prose; most of it quite beautiful for example: "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal...and If I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs..." (Corinthians 1:13) Some biblical language is poignant in a way that satisfies my most carnal yearning for revenge against those who have wronged me: "The Lord will grant that the enemies will rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven." (Deuteronomy 28:7) The vindictive Scorpio and the writer in me rejoice in such poetic justice! However, my point today is that as a new mother I've been feeling challenged in all sorts of ways that I've mentioned in these pages, and some I haven't mentioned. This morning I found myself bawling because all Iv'e been doing since maternity leave is watching MSNBC all day and night, reflecting on my past and wondering why the hell I can't be Mika Brezinski on Morning Joe, basking in the limelight, enjoying Starbucks coffee while magnificently coiffed. Every so often she comes up with these angry woman quips that make me feel good about myself. Funny enough, I always imagined myself in that kind of a high profile career. Perhaps I cuold have had it. I just wasted so much time. My priorities were messed up when I was in school. ( Why couldn't my father have been Secretary of State?). In any event, I did have a great education, even though I was shy and cared more about being popular than speaking up in class. For some reasion, it was more important for me to practice faux humility, rather than be considered pretentious, like those assholes in my class who had an opinion about everything and just loved to hear themselves talk. Not only are those pretentious assholes in positions of prominence now, but they love what they do and I'm sitting on my couch watching them on t.v. whining that it "should have been me.' I've learned that I mistook humility for lack of confidence and some hubris. I was afraid of being wrong. Also, I didn't believe in myself, or trust that I was exactly where I needed to be at the time. I've learned to be patient, but I have learned it the hard way. Now, I know the true meaning of humility. It doesn't mean shying away from your natural (God-given) talents and abilities for fear of what others may think of you. It means knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made: God made you an individual, perfect in your imperfections, a fearless human being capable of doing anything you desire to accomplish. Whatever your concept of God, you have to know that he/she has your best interest in mind, knows the road you are on and where it will lead you. You don't have to be a bible thumper or religious zealot to understand this. Most of the world's religions are rooted in this fact of life: ask and ye shall receive. Knock and the door shall be opened to you. I asked but unconvincingly, and I also didn't believe I was worthy enough to receive, so I didn't get, and then I would get mad because I didn't get. I was inspired to open this post with the passage of Balaam from the Old Testament book of numbers because I see a lot of myself in him. For all intents and purposes Balaam is faithful. God speaks to him-they have a relationship. Just like me; I went to church and "believed in God." But did I really? We both suffered from the very human condition known as self-importance, which despite our faithfulness caused us to do our own thing-forcing God to use his angels (in this case those angels are my sons)to block our path-so we take time to stop, and pay attention to where we are headed and let Him guide us there. I also think it's important to God that we understand the journey He has placed us on and to enjoy it. To trust in it. To believe that we are exactly where we need to be and to be grateful for the lessons we have learned along the way. God works in mysterious ways when it comes to teaching us life lessons. Ironically, though this time is challenging, I feel strongesr than I ever have in my entire life, even without the things that are supposed to make me feel secure, like a great career, or even an income. It's because I know now that God has always given me what I've asked for. I just wasn't specific enough. Now, I know what to ask for, and my faith will guarantee I get it. "Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. -Hebrews 10:23