So...PMS + pre-holiday crowds in NYC=world's biggest misanthrope!
I would like to take this opportunity to thank and apologize to my man who stood beside me/behind me and then, got the hell away from me, when he knew that I just needed some space, which of course was impossible to come by on this first Saturday before the holiday madness.
I must take you on a walkthrough of my day. I know that at least one of you out there in the blogosphere will empathize...
It was one of those days where no matter where you turned, or if you found one moment of solitude, some loud and obnoxious idiot would have to stand or sit right next to you, screaming into their cellphone about some personal crisis. Perhaps they figured, the louder they screamed, the faster the crisis would disappear.
Let us not forget the plethora of screaming baby mama's (and crying babies) today, it was hard to tell who was who, that followed me all the way from the Bronx to midtown. Ray suggested perhaps I should get off at the next stop when he saw me giving the screaming couple in front of me the death stare-they were screaming at one another as though they were sitting miles apart...
"It's alright, babe." I said through gritted teeth. "I'll just put on my ipod..."
Didn't help. I turned the volume of my ipod up-in vain. I could still hear their nonsensical conversation. What made matters worse, is that they were talking about me! (Well I assumed this to be the case as they were staring right at me, looking me up and down...may have something to do with the death stare but...hey, what can I say? If they used their in-door voices, there would be no reason for me to ice-grill them to death.)
Finally Ray and I disembark: 23rd Street. And boy do I need to urinate. I begin walking with the quickness in what I think is the right direction, only to find out a couple of blocks in-that I've been walking in the wrong direction. So, we re-route ourselves and start heading towards Burlington...
All of this confusion has made me a bit hungry so we decide to stop mid-route to get a sub at Quizno's. I'm sure they'll have a bathroom in there...
They don't. No matter. I'll just wait. Burlington has a bathroom, and we'll be there in no time.
So, we place our orders...and for a moment there is peace:the place isn't crowded, it's quiet, we find ourselves a comfortable seat and the cashier brings out our sandwhiches and sure enough...
MINE IS THE WRONG ORDER...
I march up to the cashier and tell him that I ordered wheat bread-not white, and throw the sandwhich in his face....JUST KIDDING. Instead, I bitched and moaned to Ray about how I was sick of people not taking me seriously and not listening to what I have to say, I mean, how dumb could the guy be, it was only the two of us, and he looked me dead in my face when he was taking me order...HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN???
"Calm down," says Ray.
Fine. I do march up to the counter, and instead of causing a scene, I politely tell the gentleman that I asked for whole wheat bread, and not white, while ever so gently shoving the sandwhich back to him for a re-do.
"Ma'am, I'm so sorry..." He takes my sandwhich and I make my way back to my seat where Ray is happily chomping away, oblivious.
I envy him.
My sandwhich finally arrives, although he's already done eating, and this couple comes into Quizno's, and I don't know...they just give off a haughty vibe, which pissed me off. The woman kept staring at me, and that annoyed me. What was worse was that of all the chairs in the entire restaurant, she and her husband had to sit right next to us...
I scooped up my garbage and dramatically rose from my seat, picking my coat up with a fierceness that caused me to bump her-ever so slightly. The woman looked shocked. I didn't even look back.
Finally, we arrive at Burlington, and I leave Ray to buy his second overcoat in the span of two weeks. I need to use the rest-room. Apparantly, so did the rest of Burlington. I gave up. I would just have to hold it. And this, of course, does not help matters...
So I return to my beloved meandering through the aisles, picking up coat after coat, trying them on for size and yes, you guessed it--it pisses me off. Every single coat looks the same and the longer we wait, the fuller my bladder becomes.
"I thought you knew what coat you wanted," I snapped.
He continues to pick through the coats.
"My my, when the shopping is not about us, we aren't very patient are we?"
"Not true!" I declared. It's just that it's really crowded in here and I don't want you to have to wait in line for a long time. I know how your feet hurt."
He grabbed the coat and headed towards the cashier. He was right. I should have stayed home. Forget the PMS and the holiday crowds. Wanting to shop but knowing I couldn't afford to was painful, and that made me more irritable than anything else. Of course, I couldn't admit that to Ray though.
He paid for his coat and we were off. Finally it was time to go home.
At least I could afford a chocolate bar. I needed something to bring my dopamine levels up to a normal level, otherwise I was really going to hurt someone, and it was probably going to be the two "fashionista's" wobbling around in front of me-their skinny jeans were too skinny and they were both wearing ankle boots with heels far too high so they were hanging on to one another for dear life...
Need I say more?
So, we make it to Duane Reade, and Ray makes his purchase before me,but he's sitll at the register by the time I approach with my bag of chips, M&M pretzels, and gummy bears...the first thing I noticed after slapping all my junk on the counter was how pretty the cashier was. Her beauty caught me off guard actually. (See, I'm not such a beast-I recognize the beauty in people...sometimes)
The other thing I noticed was a puzzled look on Ray's face. I chocked it up to the fact that I was making him pay for my snacks, but it wasn't that...
The cashier did not even say hello, or smile when she rang the purchase up. I wondered what the hell Ray did to her. She snatched the money out of Ray's hands and threw the items into the shopping bag...She was so blatantly rude for no reason. I actually felt hurt.
I felt my heartbeat speeding up, and Ray saw the look on my face. He knew I was about to tell her off. He grabbed the bag, and nudged me. He feared a confrontation and was trying to push me out of the store. I'll admit, I can be a bit hot-tempered, but I'm no beast. I do not confront people who should not be confronted. What transpired next shocked even me...
"How are you today?" I asked the cashier.
The look on her face was priceless.
"Fine," she said bashfully, she smiled sheepishly. I knew she was ashamed of herself. There was no reason for her to behave like that.
She gave us our change, and I thanked her and told her to have a nice day. A pretty girl like that should not have such a nasty attitude. ( I wouldn't dare tell her how pretty she was-she didn't deserve that.)
So...we left the store, and I ate my chocolate. It was the sweetest chocolate I had ever tasted. Ray just shook his head at me and smiled.
"That's my girl," he said. "You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?"
I just grinned, feeling triumphant. I was gloating so much I forgot how badly I still had to urinate, which brings me to the happy ending of this little diatribe.
We have finally arrived back where we started. About a couple of blocks from the express bus that will take us home is one of our (not so) favorite watering holes. It would have to do tonight, because our hero has to use the bathroom and this will be an entirely different story if she doesn't go now!
And as fate would have it-the only two available seats are squished in between a couple that clearly doesn't want us invading their space-similar to the episode I experienced earlier in Quiznos...they made every effort not to move their seats closer together to make room for us.
I felt slightly guilty, and thought about sitting at another table, but it was far away from the bar...
and then I thought against it. Ray and I smooshed ourselves right into those seats as tightly as we could, and ordered our drinks. Ray ordered me a Guiness and he got himself a Blue Moon.
"You know they were pissed that we sat here right?" He whispered to me. I knew because I saw them talking about us as we squished next to them.
I leaned into him and pretended to be talking about them. I looked directly at her as I whispered back to Ray, she looked away. I made my point.
"I'm about to piss my pants," I said and dashed off to the bathroom. Sure enough, there was a line. But this time, I waited.
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