Good Mornin'?!?

It did start out pretty good-grandma has to go out this morning, which gives me some private time with my boys, which as much as I hate to admit it, I love. It gives me some time to myself, which I desperately crave and need. Alone time is a rare luxury these days.

As is the norm these days, as soon as I sit down to write, (I have never been more serious about my writing then after the birth of the twins, I guess all that stuff abouat motherhood being the greatest motivator is no joke)the  boys want my attention. It's incredible. They could be sleeping and as soon as I tip toe off to the computer, their eyes burst wide open and they are ready to play.

 Look, I knew having kids would be challenging; adding twins to the mix,  double! But trust me when I tell you I had NO IDEA that it would be this challenging. Not only is it exhausting trying to be a good mother to two kids at the same time, but in my case, I worry about the fact that I have a mom-in-law right above my head that I have to worry about. I worry that I don't have autonomy over my mothering if that makes any sense. I miss my privacy. At the same time, I am challenged by the fact that despite all my efforts to appear independent, I have no choice but to ask for help at times. And of all the issues that come with parenting, this dependency thing seems to bug me the most. Not to mention the fact that I hate to be told what to do, and now that I am a mother, I certainly don't want to be told how to mother my own children. I know that mom-in-law tries her best but when she is here I feel her watching me, judging me, but trying her best to hold her tongue. I appreciate that. I know I have to take it in stride, and things won't be like this forever: everyone is fascinated by babies and these are some fascinating babies. They never cease to amaze me...

Like  right now, both of them are screaming to be fed. When I say screaming, I mean SCREAMING. In stereo! (Do people use that expression anymore? It sounds so...eighties), and of course, grandma is not around so I will be feeding them both myself. Actually, it's proof positive that it can be done, which I suppose isn't the point. I know that mom-in-law-wants to help and I shouldn't deprive her. My husband and I always get into it over this because he says I have a problem accepting help, which I do but that's mostly because I feel like if we had no help, if his mom (or my mom, who came up from Toronto for a month after the kids were born to help me out, which caused grandma issues of another sort that I will reserve for later entries) weren't around, we'd have no choice but to deal with things by ourselves.  I find myself feeling resentful and I hate myself for that because it is nice to have the help...to a point, it just seems that sometimes people don't know when they have overstayed their welcome.  And how in the hell can you tell grandma that she overstayed her welcome? You don't.

Hungry Zach and Noah have been fed and are sleeping soundly at the moment. Although I can see that  Zach is stirring, so I'm on borrowed time right now and I have a few other tasks I must  complete before the boys wake or grandma comes home, which seems to be now. I hear her tinkering upstairs. Man, I've really come to hate that noise, almost as much as I hate to hear the doorbell ring because I know it's another unwelcome intrusion that  reminds me that my life is just not mine anymore...I don't mind sharing it with the boys and my husband. It's what I planned on.  It just seems that I'm sharing it with everyone... God, will I ever get used to this?