Inaugural Reflection

It's the day after the Presidential Inauguration and my post inaugural blues are kicking in. This year is especially brutual because I'm on maternity leave and I've been pretty much housebound for the better part of the winter. So you can imagine that the pageantry, pomp and circumstance of the event (though less stately than inaugurals past) meant a lot to this stay at home mom/wanna-be-first-lady. What a vision Michelle was, with her new bangs and faux lashes. I have to admit, I was a bit envious. What woman wouldn't be? All eyes on her, a model for the entire world. What it must be like knowing that whatever you (or your children) wear influences women's fashion across the country, and that the dress she wears to a ball will be immortalized in a museum. Not to mention her regular clothes increase in value as soon as she takes them off. Not to mention that as the first Black First Lady she has already made her mark in the world and secured a prominent place for herself and her family in history for posterity. As I sit home caring for my newborn twins and watching the Obama family basking in their famous glory, I wish my father were still alive. Not only to witness the first African American president sworn in for his second term-but to share the sentiment with his grandsons. I know he would tell Zachary and Noah that they were on the road to glory as well he would point to the president and his family as an example of what a strong Black family looks like. Obama reminds me of my dad; stern and doting father, his girls remind me of myself and my sister. They are well behaved and disciplined. I can tell that the girls are probably whipped into shape with just one look from president dad. My dad could have been president, he sure was the smartest armchair politician I know. Even though I do believe that most inaugural speeches as rhetoric, they are nice to hear and the event is a beautiful sight to behold. Democracy is an incredible thing. It is quite inspiriting to see thousands of Obama's supporters and Americans who celebrate democracy and the hope and promise that is America. Awww well, after the inaugural events it's back to politics as usual and, if we can garner anything from Obama's speech besides it's progressive agenda, it is that he is older,(with the gray hair to prove it) wiser, and much more agressive. For the past four years it did seem as though compromise was a dirty word when it came to President Obama's approach to working with republicans in Congress. When Obama came to office, it was his goal to change the toxic partisan political culture in Washington. He wanted to "reach across the aisle" to grasp hands and get the job done! His first inaugural address was (much longer) and conciliatory; this time he has his fists up and he was ready to fight, much to the chagrin of Republicans like John McCain who claim he is no longer trying to reach across the aisle-but why should he when his hand keeps getting slapped? Yes, President Obama came out swinging with his not-so subtle-digs at the right. He insisted that Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security allow "Americans to take the risks that make this country great," it does not make them a nation of "takers." He also defended the the middle class, who bear the brunt of this nation's prosperity, and spoke about the fact that we still have a way to go on civil rights. We haven't achieved equality until all our "gay brothers and sisters" share the rights of every American to marry. In addition to infuriating Republicans, he set an historical precedent as the first American president to use the word "gay" in an inaugural speech. I'm sure he won even more Republicans over with his idea that we can achieve peace without perpetual war. He spoke confidently as a man who seeks to move the country center left politically the way that President Ronald Reagan moved it center right in the eighties with Reaganomics. Ironically, Obama's presidency and style are comparable to Reagan, although the outcomes of their plans are antithetical, with Reaganites claiming that Reagan's recovery created jobs and a strong economy, while Obama's recovery has been abysmal. What can we expect in the next four years? according to Obama's Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett, he is planning to spend more time touring the country in an attempt to connect with the American people and make himself more accountable to those who put him in office. Republicans disapprove of course; they think he spends too much time campaigning and not enough time governing,as was their complaint when he was on every talk-show from Letterman to Meet the Press selling the Affordable Care Act during his first four years. As one who enjoys the bloodsport that is American politics, I will be looking forward to the next four years, with the first two issues being particularly bloody: the confirmation of Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense and bloodier still, Gun Control. T expect Obama to triumph this time and create his legacy this term. After all, he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. Let the games begin!

Good Mornin'?!?

It did start out pretty good-grandma has to go out this morning, which gives me some private time with my boys, which as much as I hate to admit it, I love. It gives me some time to myself, which I desperately crave and need. Alone time is a rare luxury these days.

As is the norm these days, as soon as I sit down to write, (I have never been more serious about my writing then after the birth of the twins, I guess all that stuff abouat motherhood being the greatest motivator is no joke)the  boys want my attention. It's incredible. They could be sleeping and as soon as I tip toe off to the computer, their eyes burst wide open and they are ready to play.

 Look, I knew having kids would be challenging; adding twins to the mix,  double! But trust me when I tell you I had NO IDEA that it would be this challenging. Not only is it exhausting trying to be a good mother to two kids at the same time, but in my case, I worry about the fact that I have a mom-in-law right above my head that I have to worry about. I worry that I don't have autonomy over my mothering if that makes any sense. I miss my privacy. At the same time, I am challenged by the fact that despite all my efforts to appear independent, I have no choice but to ask for help at times. And of all the issues that come with parenting, this dependency thing seems to bug me the most. Not to mention the fact that I hate to be told what to do, and now that I am a mother, I certainly don't want to be told how to mother my own children. I know that mom-in-law tries her best but when she is here I feel her watching me, judging me, but trying her best to hold her tongue. I appreciate that. I know I have to take it in stride, and things won't be like this forever: everyone is fascinated by babies and these are some fascinating babies. They never cease to amaze me...

Like  right now, both of them are screaming to be fed. When I say screaming, I mean SCREAMING. In stereo! (Do people use that expression anymore? It sounds so...eighties), and of course, grandma is not around so I will be feeding them both myself. Actually, it's proof positive that it can be done, which I suppose isn't the point. I know that mom-in-law-wants to help and I shouldn't deprive her. My husband and I always get into it over this because he says I have a problem accepting help, which I do but that's mostly because I feel like if we had no help, if his mom (or my mom, who came up from Toronto for a month after the kids were born to help me out, which caused grandma issues of another sort that I will reserve for later entries) weren't around, we'd have no choice but to deal with things by ourselves.  I find myself feeling resentful and I hate myself for that because it is nice to have the help...to a point, it just seems that sometimes people don't know when they have overstayed their welcome.  And how in the hell can you tell grandma that she overstayed her welcome? You don't.

Hungry Zach and Noah have been fed and are sleeping soundly at the moment. Although I can see that  Zach is stirring, so I'm on borrowed time right now and I have a few other tasks I must  complete before the boys wake or grandma comes home, which seems to be now. I hear her tinkering upstairs. Man, I've really come to hate that noise, almost as much as I hate to hear the doorbell ring because I know it's another unwelcome intrusion that  reminds me that my life is just not mine anymore...I don't mind sharing it with the boys and my husband. It's what I planned on.  It just seems that I'm sharing it with everyone... God, will I ever get used to this? 

Reprieve

Ok, so I don't know how long this will last, so  forgive my rushing this morning. Both kids are down, and they were pretty good last night, except that Zachary, as usual, likes to test his lungs on us before he actually settles down for the night, which tends to take anywhere from 10 minutes to a half an hour.  My husband doesn't mind letting the boys "cry it out," which much to my mother-in-law's chagrin (will deal with her at another time) actually tires them out that they just fall asleep.

Anyway, my husband said his mother claimed to have heard the boys crying last night, which according to her leaves her with an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach,  causing her to come in and take over as only grandmas can and will, and of course, this leaves me feeling incompetent and irritated. So, before she comes down and interrupts the little privacy I have this morning I have to bang out these morning pages.

Not to mention I hear little (well, I can't really call him little-at 3 months the boy already ways 12 pounds and I' m positive he ways more now, since it's been a month and a few weeks since his and his brother Zach's last well visit. The boys will not stop eating, and if they are hungry-mon Dieu! I worry that our neighbors may call the cops on us because they think we are beating them to death! I feel like a cow trying to produce enough milk for these two guzzlers. 

In other news, my boys are smiling and cooing on the regular, which makes me feel good, especially since I swear I'm in a kind of competition with my mother-in-law and other relatives who I feel keep judging me. I know how crazy this sounds and yes, i know that the hormones are making me paranoid,  but I just can't stand anybody thinking that they are smiling and cooing for anybody else but their mama!

Awwww damn! .Zach's awake and full of gas, which means Noah is next, that's the lovely thing about twins: they do everything together! so folks, this morning's reprieve is officially over.

To be continued...

For Grandma!

I wrote this story for my Considering Caribbean Women's Literature class during my undergrad at York University. I want to thank my professor, Althea Prince for believing in me and giving my words life. She was the first professional to take my writing seriously.

I dedicated this story then,as I do now to my grandmother Ros, and her kitchen, which along with the best cornmeal porridge I have ever tasted,  has provided much love, comfort, security and grounding. 

I was born November 8, 1974 about 11:30 in the morning at Brooklyn Jewish (now Interfaith) Hospital, in, you guessed it-Brooklyn, New York. The details of my birth and following years on the planet are somewhat hazy. Nobody can give me a complete account of why my mother and father decided to leave me with my grandmother in Brooklyn while they started a life for themselves in Canada, where I would join them about five years later but I have my suspicions. (That's another story for another day).

However, the answer for the purposes of this tale is so that my parents could get their lives in order before taking on the responsibility of  raising a young scorpio child who would have undoubtedly been acclimated to the ways of New York and possibly hard to tame. I have to admit, at 5 years old, I was pretty set in my ways. I'll never forget that dark cloud which followed (which stayed with me until I moved back to the city) as soon as I crossed the border.

You may be wondering how I could remember such vivid details of my life from such an early age.

The answer is simple: Grandma. Grandma and I had a magical  relationship then as we do now and she has told me this story so many times that it has more or less become burned into my memory, like a tatoo on the brain.

One twin down, the other one with grandma so I have a few minutes to kill...these days it seems as though the boys don't sleep longer than 10 minutes at a time, which kinda hampers my style. To tell you the truth, I wasn't even expecting this mid-day gift. Both the boys are occupied so I have time to write. I am in artist recovery right now so I do morning pages every day: 3 pages of stream of conscious writing. The whole thing is supposed to get me back into my creative mode. I'm proud of myself. I've truly been sticking with it. The only thing is I said that the morning pages would be more or less for the frivolous bullshit I worry about or need to get off my chest and the blog would be for more serious writing. Well, looks like that hasn't been able to happen yet. Not that I haven't been thinking of all the serious shit that's going on: fissaray in Washington over Fiscal Cliff and the fact that New York got stiffed by Congress over Sandy funds-Boehner's getting stiffed by his party, I'm no Boehner fan but I feel really sorry for him. His party has been hijacked and he's been held hostage. Other news: I want to add my voice to the controversy surrounding my man Quentin Tarantino's film Django but I cannot because I haven't seen the movie and I don't know when I will. Awwwww hell, that's never stopped me before...but I suppose I won't be sticking to my principals if I go ahead and wax socio-political on a mnovie I haven't seen. I'm trying to change my ways.The only thing I can say, based on my friends reaction to the movie-most everyone thought it was tasteless. I supposes dealing with slavery in Hollywood is a difficult task to undertake and of course, leave it to Tarantino to tackle it. Anyway, from what I understand he wanted to give Black folks a hero-he said we deserve one and I guess that was his intent. Of course, with this type of film you have to allow for dramatic license and I applaud Tarantino for wanting his hero to take on the most deplorable institution known to man. That's really all I can say since I haven't seen it. I've heard the controversy over the use of the word nigger. If our own people and everybody else has bastardized the word (with nary the outrage or even the threat of a boycott i.e: pulling the money: a la other racial groups who refuse to endorse or embrace anything that degrades or humiliates them) why should the entertainment industry care? Especially when they profit from the use of the word? N!@#$ please! Until some real accountability is taken, and by real accountability it doesn't begin or end with the use of the word nigger, but with the ridiculous stereotypes too many of us embrace which degrade and criminalize us. At least Tarantino's nigger is a hero to his people. He is right? Damn-just when things are getting interesting...I must go because twin B aka Nimble Noah is trying to wedge himself between myself and the computer. I'm typing with one finger now because I/m trying to hold his still wobbly three-month old head up with my other hand. (Blame HIM for any mistakes or inconsistencies. Until the next time we meet-I bid you adieu!

CONFESSIONS FROM A FRUSTRATED NEW MOTHER (OF TWINS!)

Perhaps some of you can relate: I am feeling quite challenged at the moment. I am the proud mother to two new perfect twin boys: Zach and Noah Chalmers. I expected to lose sleep, get used to a new routine and I had heard about all the unwanted advice and suggestions that family would offer, but it's quite different when you are living with your in-laws, as opposed to them just visiting every once in a while. Babies bring out the best in people-and they can bring out the worst even though their worst is their best, and by this, I mean that everyone is an expert in child care and everyone seems to think your babies are theirs, usurping your authority, invading your space and it causes serious tension in relationships. This has been the hardest for me since I think I've been trying to prove myself my entire life. I incorrectly assumed that becoming a mother guaranteed I would no longer be treated like a baby. Ironic isn't it? I should have known it was going to be something when at the hospital a relative came to visit and tried to prevent me from breast-feeding my own kids. She then proceeded to come over every day-interrupting my breast feeding, and bonding with all kinds of silly, intrusive advice, the latest being to burn candles and incense when the babies smile at nobody in particular because they are entertaining spirits. Listen, I'm not getting rid of anyone or anything natural or supernatural that brings smiles to my babies' faces. Besides, I believe those smiles are for my dad, deceased about 12 years now, looking over his new grandsons. I am at my wits end now-and the loss of privacy is the biggest obstacle I have to face. I am tired of people stopping by. Trying to take my babies away from me... Especially since I'm a new mother and I need time to adjust to my new life. I need to bond with my boys and learn how to get over the fact that I'm never going to have a moment to myself for at least 18 years. I've heard that once the kids get older, the fascination wanes... I've read that you should just smile and say yes, to unwanted or unwarranted advice, and that it's o.k. to ignore it. I've tried that, along with prayer for the Good Lord to please let me hold my tongue-and keep me from punching the next person in the face who says "they don't mean to interfere but..." Stay tuned.

FOOD STAMP LOGIC

As a member of a so-called marginalized community, I find myself at odds with others in my race who consider me a sell-out or Auntie Tom because of some of my political opinions. Simply put, there are elements of "Black" politics that I agree with/understand yet there are many ideas that I believe serve to undermine "us" and do nothing to help the cause of Black advancement and the move towards a racial reconciliation-i.e. Affirmative Action( but that's another debate for another day.) What I want to address today is former Speaker Newt Gingrich's "food-stamp president" comment. Many took offense to this comment claiming it was racially charged because the president is Black. Was it? Perhaps, but that's not my issue. I am more concerned about how he defended the statement and why I agree with him on this particular issue. Ann Curry of NBC's morning show went after Newt hard: she accused him of playing the race card leading up to the South Carolina primary. Newt claimed he had been using the term for 8 months. He turned the tables back on Ann by accusing the liberal media of getting upset whenever republicans try to encourage prosperity by discouraging government dependence. He said it was a fact that more food stamps have been doled out under the Obama administration because of massive government spending. He claims that most people would rather earn a paycheck than be dependent on the government. He then defended himself against charges of racism by pointing out he attended the Martin Luther King breakfast with Tom Scott(a Black republican) who shares Newt's views. So do I. I had to apply for food stamps once, after falling on hard times, as most of us will do at some point in our lives. I found the experience humiliating. I took it personally being Black, because of the stigma and stereotyping that comes from receiving government aid. I vowed after the experience that I would never do it again, never mind the stigma, having to go through the fingerprinting, the disclosure, the government in your business...it's dehumanizing. I would rather earn a paycheck. I would like to take race out of this debate, because research has shown that the majority of welfare recipients are not Black. It's unfortunate that many of us believe that the majority of people on food stamps are Black and are offended by the statement. I think it's quite telling. Why don't liberals ever address the issue that many who are dependent on government would rather not be? It's a bit condescending I think, to say someone is racist because they think people should be less dependent on the government for hand outs. African American conservatives should take the lead here. This is how we move away from the racism that taints politics. There are far too many progressive Blacks in America who understand that racism does exist, but calling someone a racist because they speak out against food stamps or other social welfare programs does little to advance the cause of racial equality. This is not to say that racism does not exist and has no part in society but one way to address it is to combat liberal ideas that undermine the progress made by successful Black Americans. I don't endorse Newt Gingrich, but I am glad he has black friends.