I took one of the twins, Noah (5 months old; 16+ pounds) out on the town today. We took the bus to babies r' us to get some teething rings. It was awesome, though he's getting pretty heavy. I hate that I can't bring both of my boys out at the same time, but I'll take what I can get. Noah loved being out; he was all eyes, surveying all that surrounded him. I enjoyed playing tour guide, showing him trees, birds, the beautiful blue sky, the puffy, white clouds.
When we got on the bus, his eyes and his head were all over, checking out these new surroundings. His gaze became fixed on someone. I couldn't really see who because it was hard for me to turn around with him being stuffed into the carrier and me with all my winter gear. All I could see were his big, bright eyes just staring out.
It was surreal! I couldn't believe I was taking a busride with my son. My son. It still can't believe I'm a mommy. Not to mention I had another one just like him at home with his grandmother, waiting for me. If someone had told me that I would be married to the man I'm married to, with twin boys I would have tried to sell them a bridge in Brooklyn. I just can't believe this is my life now. If you read my last and previous posts, you would know that I have tons of issues to be worked out.
Hubby and I had an enlightening conversation last night. Finally, for the first time in my life I was able to express how I feel about everything.-without beating around the bush. And you know what? My husband understood. I feel like a completley different person today. A burden has been lifted. Suddenly my situation doesn't seem so hopeless. For some reason, I thought he would be angry if I told him how I truly felt: will I be forever broke--a housewife and stay at home mother living in her mother-in-law's basement?
He explained to me that all my fears, anxieties are warranted, but he put things in perspective for me: would I rather suffer unnecessarily rather than take advantage of the help that's provided. Help that I honest to God need--though I'm loathe to admit it. I will admit this though, it is a relief when grandma takes over so I can take a much needed nap, or more importantly, get some writing done. Usually, I drive myself crazy trying to get writing done, spend time with them and take care of my chores. I become a miserable wreck in the process because inthe end I get nothing done, and I've wasted time being angry and resentful.
Not to mention the fact that it does grandma a world of good to see her grandsons excitement when she comes into the apartment to spend a little time with them. The smiles on their faces are priceless. It would be unfair of me to deprive her of that. My husband's mom never knew her own grandparents so to be close to her grandchildren is a special blessing.
Well, what about the fact that I feel scrutinzied? I asked him. Can you fix that?
Unfortunately, it comes with the territory babe, he says. People will ALWAYS have something to say, advice to give, opinions to offer. However, at the end of the day, people can say what they want, but they aren't raising these children. They aren't here at night in the trenches with us when these kids are screaming bloody murder. We are the ones doing the parenting that counts, when it's not all cute and cuddly hugs and kisses. And for the record, he adds: everyone you think is scrutinizing you is actually quite proud of how you are making out as a first time mommy to twins. They gives you an A+. (I know I shouldn't care about that, but I do, and I'm elated.
Once again, insecurity, jealousy and poor self-esteem have distracted me from what's truly important. And my wise husband adds: I know this is not the ideal situation. I live here too. She's my mom and I love her but let's just say sometimes I cringe when that door knocks too. He promises me that this is only temporary, and I believe him.
I am definitely a girl who's over it. Like the troubled yet heroic character Amy Jellicoe, I want to be the little girl who brings down some giants in this world-real ones, not imagined ones. Finally, I get it. I've made peace.
Enlightenment is a beautiful thing.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Redemption
"I'm just a girl who's over it."
-Amy Jellicoe, Enlightened
I took one of the twins, Noah (5 months old; 16+ pounds) out on the town today. We took the bus to babies r' us to get some teething rings. It was awesome, though he's getting pretty heavy. I hate that I can't bring both of my boys out at the same time, but I'll take what I can get. Noah loved being out; he was all eyes, surveying all that surrounded him. I enjoyed playing tour guide, showing him trees, birds, the beautiful blue sky, the puffy, white clouds.
When we got on the bus, his eyes and his head were all over, checking out these new surroundings. His gaze became fixed on someone. I couldn't really see who because it was hard for me to turn around with him being stuffed into the carrier and me with all my winter gear. All I could see were his big, bright eyes just staring out.
It was surreal! I couldn't believe I was taking a busride with my son. My son. It still can't believe I'm a mommy. Not to mention I had another one just like him at home with his grandmother, waiting for me. If someone had told me that I would be married to the man I'm married to, with twin boys I would have tried to sell them a bridge in Brooklyn. I just can't believe this is my life now. If you read my last and previous posts, you would know that I have tons of issues to be worked out.
Hubby and I had an enlightening conversation last night. Finally, for the first time in my life I was able to express how I feel about everything.-without beating around the bush. And you know what? My husband understood. I feel like a completley different person today. A burden has been lifted. Suddenly my situation doesn't seem so hopeless. For some reason, I thought he would be angry if I told him how I truly felt: will I be forever broke--a housewife and stay at home mother living in her mother-in-law's basement?
He explained to me that all my fears, anxieties are warranted, but he put things in perspective for me: would I rather suffer unnecessarily rather than take advantage of the help that's provided. Help that I honest to God need--though I'm loathe to admit it. I will admit this though, it is a relief when grandma takes over so I can take a much needed nap, or more importantly, get some writing done. Usually, I drive myself crazy trying to get writing done, spend time with them and take care of my chores. I become a miserable wreck in the process because inthe end I get nothing done, and I've wasted time being angry and resentful.
Not to mention the fact that it does grandma a world of good to see her grandsons excitement when she comes into the apartment to spend a little time with them. The smiles on their faces are priceless. It would be unfair of me to deprive her of that. My husband's mom never knew her own grandparents so to be close to her grandchildren is a special blessing.
Well, what about the fact that I feel scrutinzied? I asked him. Can you fix that?
Unfortunately, it comes with the territory babe, he says. People will ALWAYS have something to say, advice to give, opinions to offer. However, at the end of the day, people can say what they want, but they aren't raising these children. They aren't here at night in the trenches with us when these kids are screaming bloody murder. We are the ones doing the parenting that counts, when it's not all cute and cuddly hugs and kisses. And for the record, he adds: everyone you think is scrutinizing you is actually quite proud of how you are making out as a first time mommy to twins. They gives you an A+. (I know I shouldn't care about that, but I do, and I'm elated.
Once again, insecurity, jealousy and poor self-esteem have distracted me from what's truly important. And my wise husband adds: I know this is not the ideal situation. I live here too. She's my mom and I love her but let's just say sometimes I cringe when that door knocks too. He promises me that this is only temporary, and I believe him.
I am definitely a girl who's over it. Like the troubled yet heroic character Amy Jellicoe, I want to be the little girl who brings down some giants in this world-real ones, not imagined ones. Finally, I get it. I've made peace.
Enlightenment is a beautiful thing.
I took one of the twins, Noah (5 months old; 16+ pounds) out on the town today. We took the bus to babies r' us to get some teething rings. It was awesome, though he's getting pretty heavy. I hate that I can't bring both of my boys out at the same time, but I'll take what I can get. Noah loved being out; he was all eyes, surveying all that surrounded him. I enjoyed playing tour guide, showing him trees, birds, the beautiful blue sky, the puffy, white clouds.
When we got on the bus, his eyes and his head were all over, checking out these new surroundings. His gaze became fixed on someone. I couldn't really see who because it was hard for me to turn around with him being stuffed into the carrier and me with all my winter gear. All I could see were his big, bright eyes just staring out.
It was surreal! I couldn't believe I was taking a busride with my son. My son. It still can't believe I'm a mommy. Not to mention I had another one just like him at home with his grandmother, waiting for me. If someone had told me that I would be married to the man I'm married to, with twin boys I would have tried to sell them a bridge in Brooklyn. I just can't believe this is my life now. If you read my last and previous posts, you would know that I have tons of issues to be worked out.
Hubby and I had an enlightening conversation last night. Finally, for the first time in my life I was able to express how I feel about everything.-without beating around the bush. And you know what? My husband understood. I feel like a completley different person today. A burden has been lifted. Suddenly my situation doesn't seem so hopeless. For some reason, I thought he would be angry if I told him how I truly felt: will I be forever broke--a housewife and stay at home mother living in her mother-in-law's basement?
He explained to me that all my fears, anxieties are warranted, but he put things in perspective for me: would I rather suffer unnecessarily rather than take advantage of the help that's provided. Help that I honest to God need--though I'm loathe to admit it. I will admit this though, it is a relief when grandma takes over so I can take a much needed nap, or more importantly, get some writing done. Usually, I drive myself crazy trying to get writing done, spend time with them and take care of my chores. I become a miserable wreck in the process because inthe end I get nothing done, and I've wasted time being angry and resentful.
Not to mention the fact that it does grandma a world of good to see her grandsons excitement when she comes into the apartment to spend a little time with them. The smiles on their faces are priceless. It would be unfair of me to deprive her of that. My husband's mom never knew her own grandparents so to be close to her grandchildren is a special blessing.
Well, what about the fact that I feel scrutinzied? I asked him. Can you fix that?
Unfortunately, it comes with the territory babe, he says. People will ALWAYS have something to say, advice to give, opinions to offer. However, at the end of the day, people can say what they want, but they aren't raising these children. They aren't here at night in the trenches with us when these kids are screaming bloody murder. We are the ones doing the parenting that counts, when it's not all cute and cuddly hugs and kisses. And for the record, he adds: everyone you think is scrutinizing you is actually quite proud of how you are making out as a first time mommy to twins. They gives you an A+. (I know I shouldn't care about that, but I do, and I'm elated.
Once again, insecurity, jealousy and poor self-esteem have distracted me from what's truly important. And my wise husband adds: I know this is not the ideal situation. I live here too. She's my mom and I love her but let's just say sometimes I cringe when that door knocks too. He promises me that this is only temporary, and I believe him.
I am definitely a girl who's over it. Like the troubled yet heroic character Amy Jellicoe, I want to be the little girl who brings down some giants in this world-real ones, not imagined ones. Finally, I get it. I've made peace.
Enlightenment is a beautiful thing.
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